Positives and negatives

I've not done a post in a while, so I thought I would post about my thoughts, feelings and recent life changes.

At the beginning of January I started having thoughts about indepenence, I'm 20 years old and I've never experienced proper independence, and when ever I do get put in a situation of independence and fending for myself I start getting all down and depressed as if someone doesnt want me to feel free and have a life. On the 28th January I made the move back up to Stoke-on-Trent to give it another go and try and be happy for once, the first week was brilliant, I went out everyday that week with friends, on the 1st Febuary my recently asked out boyfriend decided to come and see me which I was very excited about, espicially that it was arranged on the day rather then one of them planned visits, I must say though, the day before I left to move to Stoke, I was was feeling terribly down to the point I just wanted to stop breathing, so much stuff was going through my head, one of the things was Damien, I get attached very easily and after I had spent 3 days with him before I had left he became engraved in me, I felt like roller coaster, up and down with my feelings and I then started thinking that he might not move which meant it would be a long distance relationship which I am no good at, I've never been in a relationship with someone and spent so much time with them, he has spent the past 3 weeks living here with me and apart from the odd disagreement he's magnificent! All the crap I got from people beforehand saying I should be careful because of the sort of work he does, well I have no comment on that, I'm with him so what else should be said?

Anyway, because I've had so much company from people the last 3 weeks, I dont want to spend days here by myself now, Thankfully Zach one of my friends is staying here for a few days, so when Damien leaves I still have company, it may not be the same company but at least I wont feel so shitty, and I've also got another friend coming round for a week from friday onwards, so I got at least 2 weeks of company from friends when Damien leaves, I just need to get others to stay here with me or come and see me or make plans to go out somewhere interesting..

And then theres the money situation, I HATE going to the jobcentre and I hate the authority, I've recently been thinking about becoming self employed or make some money some way just to get me away from the Jobcentre.. But I dunno where to start or do.. I need help, I know people probably think I should just apply for a normal job but apart from the fact I hate shop based jobs, and my aim is to get on the Railways that seems to be non existent at the moment, the time I worked at Southern was brilliant, I had so much confidence, just a shame it was only temp. I guess being self employed in the photography area could work, just means I need to figure out how to, what to do and how to go aabout it, what kind of photography? etc but thats at the bottom of the list at the moment.

I'm also working on my communication skills, I have trouble expressing my emotions and the way I feel to people when I'm upset, I don't know why I find it difficult, I just do, I'm a broke person, I really want to express my love, my upsets and my achievements, I want to feel proud of myself, I want to feel as if I'm getting somewhere in life! Which brings up another question.. Am I being to cautious in my life? Should I be more aventurous? think less, act more? I feel as if I'm wasting the only life I know I have on nothing, but then I suffer with my anxiety which blocks me from doing that! I just want to be free and do things. Why is it so hard for me?

What is love?

Biologically, love is a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst, only more permanent. We talk about love being blind or unconditional, in the sense that we have no control over it. But then, that is not so surprising since love is basically chemistry. While lust is a temporary passionate sexual desire involving the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and oestrogen, in true love, or attachment and bonding, the brain can release a whole set of chemicals: pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. However, from an evolutionary perspective, love can be viewed as a survival tool – a mechanism we have evolved to promote long-term relationships, mutual defence and parental support of children and to promote feelings of safety and security.



What love is depends on where you are in relation to it. Secure in it, it can feel as mundane and necessary as air – you exist within it, almost unnoticing. Deprived of it, it can feel like an obsession; all consuming, a physical pain. Love is the driver for all great stories: not just romantic love, but the love of parent for child, for family, for country. It is the point before consummation of it that fascinates: what separates you from love, the obstacles that stand in its way. It is usually at those points that love is everything.